Granny Lampkins Advice Bout Etiquette
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Published: August 22, 2006
Good behavior and good manners make a good hick. That's what I always say. But some of y'all don't seem to know that, walkin round with your pants round your be-hind and tearin the sleeves off your flannels. That's why I'm here to tell y'all a few things bout hick etiquette and manners that'll make you finer than fresh grits n' gravy in the mornin'.
Datin'
For you fellas out there, they's a few things you oughta know bout treatin' a lady while on a date. First off, it aint right to invite a lady over to watch wrasslin on a first date. You best save that for second. On a first date, make sure you're lookin' and smellin' your finest; your boots and belt buckles are shiny, and if your comin off a hard day on the farm, change outta your stinky socks into a fresh pair. Now a fella should always pick the lady up for the date, so make sure you get your truck nice and hosed down and wash off any roadkill you might have on them tires.
When you pick up your date, always say hello to her father and if he wants to arm-wrestle, you best let him win. Hold her door open when she gets into your truck and if you got too much junk in the front seat, make sure you got a cushion for her to sit on in the flatbed. A lotta places you can take a lady on a first date. The drive-in theater or fine-dinin establishment like Old Country Buffet are mighty swell. It ain't right to take a lady to a rodeo unless your ridin' one of the bulls yourself. Ain't nothin like a man ridin a buckin bronco to impress a lady. Now back in my day, the fella always paid for his date's meal but these days some ladys don't feel right lettin a gent pay her way. But unless your a pony-boy, it ain't right to let your lady pay your way.
I remember my first date like it was only yester-year. The year was 1935. The depression was in full swing and Franklin Delano Roosevelt's New Deal was tryin to bring us out of it. Me and my date Walt first went to see the Charlie Chaplin film on the big screen then took the trolley downtown for a malt. The date cost us a total of six cents, which Walt made from drawing pictures of a mouse wearing a pair of trousers. That Walt was little cooky, always making funny duck noises and pretending to be a goofy dog. Only date I went on with lil' Walt. Never did hear what was to become of ole Walt.
When your date's good and done, you best take your date home 'fore her daddy comes lookin for her.
Back when I was still a young lady, my pappy would come lookin for me in his truck with his pitchfork ready to start pokin' if he found me neckin with a boy in the park. When you're at her door sayin goodbye, don't expect a good night kiss right away cuz lord knows her daddy is sittin right by that there window watchin you two kids closely. You say your goodbyes and get on back to your home. Now if you kept to your manners and said "please" and "thank you" and told her she smelled purdy, then maybe she'll let you take her to the next hoe-down. Just make sure you got her daddy's blessing before you try to slow dance with her.
