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Granny Lampkins Advice Column Part II
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Published: August 22, 2006
FOLKS QUESTIONS
Dear Granny,
My wife's father lives with us in our home and he's old and a bit of a kook. He spends all day sitting on the porch, shotgun and moonshine in hand, yelling conspiracy theories of government cover-ups and a hidden agenda to turn all our kids into pansy queer-lovin' hippies. Our 11 year old son is starting to adopt some of his mannerisms, like yelling "Where's my dinner woman?" to his own mother. Grandpa also tried teaching him how to use the shotgun before we could stop him. we feel guns have no use for such a young boy. He is becoming quite a burden on my wife and I. Is it time we put him in a retirement home?
-Concerned in Kansas
Dear Concerned,
Last thing you want to be doin' is sendin' the old man away. A retirement home is no place for the elderly. Thems the folks that should be teaching our kids bout the dangers of the democrats and rock music. Theys got years of wisdom and experience that oughta be respected by the youngins. You and your Mrs. oughta sit and have a chat with old gramps cuz sounds like you could learn a thing or two bout child rearin'. Hell my boys were only nine when they got their first shooters. How else are ya gonna learn to protect yourself from the government without learnin' how to shoot a rifle?
Dear Granny,
I'm nineteen years old and I'm feeling a little self-conscious. I am a little over-weight and I think it may be why I have trouble finding a date on the weekends. I try to eat healthy, but my mother uses a lot of butter, fat and cheese when she cooks. Every time I bring it up to my mother she acts like I hate her cooking. I try to exercise but I can't keep up with my workout and go to school at the same time. What can I do to lose weight?
-Weight Weary in West Virginia
Dear Weary,
Now I wouldn't go blamin' mama's cookin' on your weight gain. Sounds to me that mama makes some good, down-home Southern cookin' to me. I used to make my boys eggs, bacon, grits and gravy for breakfast; fat back and ribs for lunch; and my homemade Raccoon Stew for supper. Now only four outta my eight boys is overweight. What you gotta do is get yourself a good job at a farm where they'll have you haulin' hay bails and plowin' fields for hours. After that, you'll look like a regular Daisy Duke.
Dear Granny,
I get the feeling that my parents don't approve of my lifestyle choices. They're always asking why I don't have a girlfriend and why I don't participate in school sports. I'm the lead role in the school musical, but my parents didn't even seem to notice. I want to introduce them to my real special friend Randi, but I'm afraid of what my parents will think. How can I get my parents to accept who I am?
-Guessing in Georgia
Dear Guessing,
I'm sure your parents ain't mindin too much bout you. So you ain't no good at sports and you may be a little shy 'round the ladies. First thing you oughta do is introduce them to your special gal Randi, even if she does have a fella's name. Surely your ma and pa loves you the way you is and will do so for the rest of your life-- as long as you aint a fairy.
Dear Granny,
My wife's father lives with us in our home and he's old and a bit of a kook. He spends all day sitting on the porch, shotgun and moonshine in hand, yelling conspiracy theories of government cover-ups and a hidden agenda to turn all our kids into pansy queer-lovin' hippies. Our 11 year old son is starting to adopt some of his mannerisms, like yelling "Where's my dinner woman?" to his own mother. Grandpa also tried teaching him how to use the shotgun before we could stop him. we feel guns have no use for such a young boy. He is becoming quite a burden on my wife and I. Is it time we put him in a retirement home?
-Concerned in Kansas
Dear Concerned,
Last thing you want to be doin' is sendin' the old man away. A retirement home is no place for the elderly. Thems the folks that should be teaching our kids bout the dangers of the democrats and rock music. Theys got years of wisdom and experience that oughta be respected by the youngins. You and your Mrs. oughta sit and have a chat with old gramps cuz sounds like you could learn a thing or two bout child rearin'. Hell my boys were only nine when they got their first shooters. How else are ya gonna learn to protect yourself from the government without learnin' how to shoot a rifle?
Dear Granny,
I'm nineteen years old and I'm feeling a little self-conscious. I am a little over-weight and I think it may be why I have trouble finding a date on the weekends. I try to eat healthy, but my mother uses a lot of butter, fat and cheese when she cooks. Every time I bring it up to my mother she acts like I hate her cooking. I try to exercise but I can't keep up with my workout and go to school at the same time. What can I do to lose weight?
-Weight Weary in West Virginia
Dear Weary,
Now I wouldn't go blamin' mama's cookin' on your weight gain. Sounds to me that mama makes some good, down-home Southern cookin' to me. I used to make my boys eggs, bacon, grits and gravy for breakfast; fat back and ribs for lunch; and my homemade Raccoon Stew for supper. Now only four outta my eight boys is overweight. What you gotta do is get yourself a good job at a farm where they'll have you haulin' hay bails and plowin' fields for hours. After that, you'll look like a regular Daisy Duke.
Dear Granny,
I get the feeling that my parents don't approve of my lifestyle choices. They're always asking why I don't have a girlfriend and why I don't participate in school sports. I'm the lead role in the school musical, but my parents didn't even seem to notice. I want to introduce them to my real special friend Randi, but I'm afraid of what my parents will think. How can I get my parents to accept who I am?
-Guessing in Georgia
Dear Guessing,
I'm sure your parents ain't mindin too much bout you. So you ain't no good at sports and you may be a little shy 'round the ladies. First thing you oughta do is introduce them to your special gal Randi, even if she does have a fella's name. Surely your ma and pa loves you the way you is and will do so for the rest of your life-- as long as you aint a fairy.
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