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Granny Lampkins Advice Column
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Published: August 22, 2006
FOLKS QUESTIONS
Dear Granny,
Me and my wife Lyndie have been happily married for a year now, but I think her mother doesn't approve of me. I'm convinced that she doesn't remember my name and only calls me "Lyndie's husband." She's always referring to my job as "the crap farm" even though she knows full well that I work at a mud farm. How do I earn her respect or at least get her to stop treating me so poorly?
-Harassed Husband
Dear Harassed,
Sounds like you're in quite the pickle there sonny. The ole mother in-law ain't giving you the treatment you deserve. Reminds me of way back when my fourth daughter Gladys married this schlub who was workin' at the ole' pork factory in the city. He would come home stinkin' real bad of pig guts and I'd say, now you listen here sonny boy, no daughter of mine is gonna be married to a man who smells as foul as you do. So I smacked him straight in the head so hard that he would think twice before showin' up to my home without bathin' properly first. He started smellin' so nice they promoted him to head hog butcher down at the factory. So if you're looking to quit your job at the mud farm they got an opening over at the pork factory. Just tell 'em Granny Lampkins sent you and they'll fix you up real good.
Dear Granny,
My senior prom is coming up and I still don't have a date. All my friends have dates, but I can't decide who I should ask and time is running out. What should I do?
-Dateless in Dallas
Dear Dateless,
Things sure have changed since my prom back in '38. We didn't have fancy cars comin' to pick us up and we had to make our own dresses out of old window curtains. Why, I remember my date being so nervous that he kept steppin' on my toes during the slow dances. Then again he did drink a bit of moonshine that he got from his daddy's still. Why he was stumblin' so much the whole darn night that he could hardly stand straight. I sure would like to be able and do it all again, this time with someone sober enough to dance the right way. Tell you what sonny, so to make us both happy, I'll let you take ole Granny Lampkins to your prom with you. Why it'll be a mighty swell time. I'll be there in my old prom dress in time for the best hoedown of your life. See you real soon, sonny!
Dear Granny,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few years and I think it's about time we tie the knot. I'm getting a little older every day and soon it'll be too late. How can I drop marriage hints without scaring him away?
-Hopeless in Houston
Dear Hopeless,
You're worried about scaring him away?! Back in my day the only way to hold on to a man would be to do the exact opposite, scare him into marriage. And there's only one way to do that- shotgun wedding. Why as soon, as my daddy found out that I would soon give birth to my first born Jessie, he got out his Remington 12-gage shotgun Ole' Bessie, marched right up to my boyfriend Billy Bob's door, pointed Bessie right between his eyes, and demanded a proposal. We've been happily married ever since.
Dear Granny,
Me and my wife Lyndie have been happily married for a year now, but I think her mother doesn't approve of me. I'm convinced that she doesn't remember my name and only calls me "Lyndie's husband." She's always referring to my job as "the crap farm" even though she knows full well that I work at a mud farm. How do I earn her respect or at least get her to stop treating me so poorly?
-Harassed Husband
Dear Harassed,
Sounds like you're in quite the pickle there sonny. The ole mother in-law ain't giving you the treatment you deserve. Reminds me of way back when my fourth daughter Gladys married this schlub who was workin' at the ole' pork factory in the city. He would come home stinkin' real bad of pig guts and I'd say, now you listen here sonny boy, no daughter of mine is gonna be married to a man who smells as foul as you do. So I smacked him straight in the head so hard that he would think twice before showin' up to my home without bathin' properly first. He started smellin' so nice they promoted him to head hog butcher down at the factory. So if you're looking to quit your job at the mud farm they got an opening over at the pork factory. Just tell 'em Granny Lampkins sent you and they'll fix you up real good.
Dear Granny,
My senior prom is coming up and I still don't have a date. All my friends have dates, but I can't decide who I should ask and time is running out. What should I do?
-Dateless in Dallas
Dear Dateless,
Things sure have changed since my prom back in '38. We didn't have fancy cars comin' to pick us up and we had to make our own dresses out of old window curtains. Why, I remember my date being so nervous that he kept steppin' on my toes during the slow dances. Then again he did drink a bit of moonshine that he got from his daddy's still. Why he was stumblin' so much the whole darn night that he could hardly stand straight. I sure would like to be able and do it all again, this time with someone sober enough to dance the right way. Tell you what sonny, so to make us both happy, I'll let you take ole Granny Lampkins to your prom with you. Why it'll be a mighty swell time. I'll be there in my old prom dress in time for the best hoedown of your life. See you real soon, sonny!
Dear Granny,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few years and I think it's about time we tie the knot. I'm getting a little older every day and soon it'll be too late. How can I drop marriage hints without scaring him away?
-Hopeless in Houston
Dear Hopeless,
You're worried about scaring him away?! Back in my day the only way to hold on to a man would be to do the exact opposite, scare him into marriage. And there's only one way to do that- shotgun wedding. Why as soon, as my daddy found out that I would soon give birth to my first born Jessie, he got out his Remington 12-gage shotgun Ole' Bessie, marched right up to my boyfriend Billy Bob's door, pointed Bessie right between his eyes, and demanded a proposal. We've been happily married ever since.
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